I don't exactly know who I'm trying to fool here, but I'd like to wish a nice three weeks to those who read this blog. I'm leaving for Africa, the Congo to be more precise.
It's not something I particularly like, the whole ruckus that comes with departure on holidays. Even if you're only gone for the weekend, it's such a hassle, so tiresome that I often ask myself if it's worth it. Then again, if it only depended on me I probably would spend all summer at home; I'm the home sweet home kind. Or the lazy kind. Or I simply don't like ruckus, hassle and stress.
Leaving for Africa is even worse than normal. Kind of obvious; if you forget something there won't be much chance you'll find a department store once you're in the bush. And trust me, the bush is where I'll be. 500 km south of Kinshasa, Lukunga is the name of the lost village. I'm there for humanitarian action. Not something I would do if my dad wasn't the organisation's co-founder.
...I'm scared.
Scared of the heat, the people, the group I'm going with, the food, the culture, the culture shock.
Scared shitless.
On the bright side, I'm now taking care of the organisation's blog. I'll take traveller's notes to post them there and I'll try to write some blogs for here as well. Who knows, perhaps culture shock is inspiring?
Thursday 22 July 2010
What would normal people do?
Ever had an hour to lose? I like playing a game I call 'WWNPD' at those moments. What Would Normal People Do. Normal people mostly end up having coffee. Or reading, or shopping, if they're in the city.
I like playing WWNPD at the train station. Plenty of people who have time there. Most of them who have time to lose before their train listen to music, or phone people, or sleep on the bench. I like playing WWNPD there because it feels like I'm normal. I'm waiting, I check my watch, I listen to music, I text and look around, just like everyone.
The Worst Place Ever to play what would normal people do (for me) is a marriage. You know at a marriage everyone is always talking to everyone? Small talk, business talk, oh-my-god-they-look-gorgeous-together talk.
Well, I don't.
I am extremely shy. I don't talk, I never initiate a conversation and if you try to have one with me when I'm stressed you might as well stop before you even start because you'll get nothing out of me.
When you sit alone, dressed to the nines at a wedding, lookin' around like you're lost or reading a book, coming over as the family's autist, you look pathetic. And if you start playing WWNPD, you feel pathetic and are pathetic.
I like to tell myself I'm a proud person who doesn't give a fuck about fitting in, but truth is I do. Well, I don't want to fit in, I want to disappear in the crowd. I want to be that kid you see everywhere, on the street, on the Tube, at the train station or in a store, the kid you remember vaguely from somewhere but every time you see her you forget her after your next blink.
I once wrote a whole text text about becoming just that. It's in French, and I actually had the nerve to recite it in front of 50 strangers. The audio was recorded, and those who understand are welcome to listen.
Notice the speed at which I say that text? I tend to do that when nervous. I forget to coordinate my breathing and my speech and end up speaking way too fast to get to the end of the sentence to breathe. A bit like when I write too long sentences, except there is no backspace in speech. You can only lose your face. (Perdre la face like the French say -- I love literal translations)
But in the end none of that matters, because humans tend to forget strangers when they are ordinary. Well, most humans. The kind that doesn't look around and doesn't play What Would Normal People Do. The Normal kind.
In the end, the only thing that matters is that "Time you enjoy wasting isn't wasted time." -- Betrand Russell.
Saturday 17 July 2010
At the hairdresser's
People persons are just so lucky. Being able to walk up to anyone, flash them a smile and start conversation would be just perfect. Imagine the freedom I'd gain. Imagine the good effect it would have on my health. Imagine the possibilities (that very much sounded like it came out of an advert)...
Let me explain. I am so sickeningly scared of other people that I walk around looking at the pavement. Which isn't good for my back, something my mother never stops worrying about.
It's also far from good for my psyche. I discovered just today I am so scared of people I don't correct them when one of them calls me 'young man'. Good thing mum wasn't around, I'd never 've heard the end of it.
Being scared of people is bad. Especially when I go to the hairdresser's and don't speak up when the haircut starts to look too much like Justin Bieber's. Good thing that didn't last, or I would have had to go through with that cut until the hair grew back. Because I would never have said anything . I wish I was more confident.
Another thing I remarked while at the hairdresser's today: I am the only one who doesn't make small talk when getting her hair cut. Everyone else was talking about Spain, or the weather, or their children, or the annoying woman who almost accused them of stealing her umbrella. I wouldn't want to be that woman, every person who came in to get his or her hair cut heard about her surely having eaten it [the umbrella, not the hair].
I almost fell asleep while they were washing my hair. Courtesy of a 4 hours of sleep night of me trying to understand and help someone. Made me look really ridiculous when I forgot to take off my glasses when they were washing my hair. I was dead tired and when I made a sudden movement to save them from the water stream, said stream got into my neck. I must be the most clumsy customer they've had in ages.
At least I'll give them a good story. Better than some stuck up woman who lost her umbrella and behaved like she'd eaten it.
Let me explain. I am so sickeningly scared of other people that I walk around looking at the pavement. Which isn't good for my back, something my mother never stops worrying about.
It's also far from good for my psyche. I discovered just today I am so scared of people I don't correct them when one of them calls me 'young man'. Good thing mum wasn't around, I'd never 've heard the end of it.
Being scared of people is bad. Especially when I go to the hairdresser's and don't speak up when the haircut starts to look too much like Justin Bieber's. Good thing that didn't last, or I would have had to go through with that cut until the hair grew back. Because I would never have said anything . I wish I was more confident.
Another thing I remarked while at the hairdresser's today: I am the only one who doesn't make small talk when getting her hair cut. Everyone else was talking about Spain, or the weather, or their children, or the annoying woman who almost accused them of stealing her umbrella. I wouldn't want to be that woman, every person who came in to get his or her hair cut heard about her surely having eaten it [the umbrella, not the hair].
I almost fell asleep while they were washing my hair. Courtesy of a 4 hours of sleep night of me trying to understand and help someone. Made me look really ridiculous when I forgot to take off my glasses when they were washing my hair. I was dead tired and when I made a sudden movement to save them from the water stream, said stream got into my neck. I must be the most clumsy customer they've had in ages.
At least I'll give them a good story. Better than some stuck up woman who lost her umbrella and behaved like she'd eaten it.
Friday 16 July 2010
Friends are a whole lotta trouble...
Friends can be though to handle. I love mine, don't get me wrong, but friends are one hell of a load of homework. Friends are like plants, if you don't water them regularly and get them in the sunlight, you can forget 'em. Of course there are some that need more care than others, and some that you can virtually forget about, but the average friend needs the attention you give to your average houseplant (I was gonna write pot plant, but that might leave the wrong impression).
You have to contact a friend regularly, to see how he/she is doing. You can easily compare that with looking at your plants to see if any of them need special care. If one of your friends needs special care, you'll probably agree to do something together, ranging from the odd coffee to a trip. Compared with plants it's something ranging from a bit of water to a repotting.
Occasionally one of your plants will be sick, and either you don't care too much about your plants because you have many, better than this one, too, so you'll dispose of it, or you'll try to care for it better so it heals. Compare it to a strained friendship you entertain with someone. Either it's worth the while to make it better, or it's not. And don't give me the crap about it always being better to try to save a friendship, because that is just not true. Some friends you better get rid of, no matter how much it hurts to do so.
There are plants you just shouldn't try to save, even if they were your dead brother's gift. After all, it's just a gift, it's not your brother.
Losing a friend is hard, because it leads to questioning yourself about what the fuck you did wrong. In some cases it's fairly easy; you just didn't give 'em enough water, sorry, you didn't hang around with them enough. In other cases it's simply because the other screwed up, or because the relationship hit a wall and crumbled. Sometimes the plant they give or sell you is simply worth nothing, doomed from the beginning. Sometimes you're simply not responsible enough to care for fragile plants. Sometimes you'll have bad luck and bugs will come eat your plant. Once it's too late there's not really something you can do.
You have two, perhaps three types of plant owners. First the ones who have few and care for them very well. Then the ones who have many but have made plant caring a hobby, and care for them very well. And finally the ones who have some but can't handle them all. In the end they'll do like me and settle with orchids and cactuses, plants who need almost no care, but give little satisfaction (especially the cactuses).
I lost a friend, recently, or rather she lost me. Not that she even noticed, she's from the third category and she's got better than me.
Golly, I feel fucking lonely. Perhaps I should get me a few flowerpots with orchids. Pity they won't talk back.
You have to contact a friend regularly, to see how he/she is doing. You can easily compare that with looking at your plants to see if any of them need special care. If one of your friends needs special care, you'll probably agree to do something together, ranging from the odd coffee to a trip. Compared with plants it's something ranging from a bit of water to a repotting.
Occasionally one of your plants will be sick, and either you don't care too much about your plants because you have many, better than this one, too, so you'll dispose of it, or you'll try to care for it better so it heals. Compare it to a strained friendship you entertain with someone. Either it's worth the while to make it better, or it's not. And don't give me the crap about it always being better to try to save a friendship, because that is just not true. Some friends you better get rid of, no matter how much it hurts to do so.
There are plants you just shouldn't try to save, even if they were your dead brother's gift. After all, it's just a gift, it's not your brother.
Losing a friend is hard, because it leads to questioning yourself about what the fuck you did wrong. In some cases it's fairly easy; you just didn't give 'em enough water, sorry, you didn't hang around with them enough. In other cases it's simply because the other screwed up, or because the relationship hit a wall and crumbled. Sometimes the plant they give or sell you is simply worth nothing, doomed from the beginning. Sometimes you're simply not responsible enough to care for fragile plants. Sometimes you'll have bad luck and bugs will come eat your plant. Once it's too late there's not really something you can do.
You have two, perhaps three types of plant owners. First the ones who have few and care for them very well. Then the ones who have many but have made plant caring a hobby, and care for them very well. And finally the ones who have some but can't handle them all. In the end they'll do like me and settle with orchids and cactuses, plants who need almost no care, but give little satisfaction (especially the cactuses).
I lost a friend, recently, or rather she lost me. Not that she even noticed, she's from the third category and she's got better than me.
Golly, I feel fucking lonely. Perhaps I should get me a few flowerpots with orchids. Pity they won't talk back.
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